Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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