I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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