yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Randomize