Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
