Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
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