He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
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