i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
so this rather large man keeps buying us drinks.......then he licked my face....i dont really care though because the drinks are good. Is this bad?
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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