The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Randomize
