she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Randomize
