so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
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