I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
