We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Randomize
