The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I need to sanitize my soul.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Randomize
