She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
