my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
and eventually we just all took our pants off
Randomize