I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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