I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
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