if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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