I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
