You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
