if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Randomize
