I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Randomize
