I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Randomize
