Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Randomize
