i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Randomize