That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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