i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
grandma shit on top of the toilet
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
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