Me too!
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize