I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
