I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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