My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
