My sheets look like a crime scene.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
