i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
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