apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
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