i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
Randomize
