It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
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