I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Randomize
