mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
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