i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize