I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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