The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize