security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
how drunk are you?
Several
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
Randomize
