glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
