Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Randomize