It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
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