so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Randomize
