Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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