The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
