there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
