I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
