last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
