Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
