I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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