When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
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