i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
there is puke in my bra ... again
Randomize
