I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
