he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
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