Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
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