Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
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