fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
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