You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
