I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
