we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
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