Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
